When not to reconcile: Relationship matters


Today our world is hurting so much that a lot of people are afraid of entering into committal relationship for fear of being domesticated, abused, controlled and manipulated. Despite all of this, some are still trying their luck at relationships hoping that it will work, that eventually, they will come in contact with that special person with whom they can both bring out their best. Some have been successful and are living in paradise, while it has not been same for others who daily are living in hell and wishing it can all go away.

Go away? yes, for those who would damn all the consequences closing their ears and heart to whatever the society would say and stand up to say, enough is enough, I want a divorce. For such persons, it is not always easy as the mere mention of that word ‘divorce’ invites an avalanche of people who are quick to want to persuade and talk the person out of it, while vehemently recommending reconciliation.

How possible is it to reconcile two people who have turned themselves into boxers and the prize being Head and Submission. A relationship that has turned sour, with threat to life being the order of the day? A relationship that does not appreciate the efforts of the other party simply because it’s a weaker s3x? A relationship without trust in which a partner is crowned as a prostitute, but yet is the mother of the children, the product of the marriage. Ironically, those outside that really do not care of the feelings of those in the relationship but of only their own selfish interest would insist that they tow the part of reconciliation especially if children are involved. But one thing they all fail to realize is that irrespective of what happens to any of the parties in the relationship, the children would survive.

In calling for reconciliation, it will be proper for those initiating it to be neutral and not attach any conditions to it. They should have at the back of their minds that it is people that are reconciled and not problems. Though the problems which cause the crack in the relationship are always taken seriously. From a Christian point of view, reconciliation involves the naming and confession of wrongs. It also requires repentance, forgiveness and a willingness and determination to put things right. In truth reconciliation is simply the ability of those involved to find ways of living together in spite of differences.

True reconciliation can never be achieved as long as the man feels that Submission is his right and that the woman is obligated to give it to him by all means. Reconciliation can never be attained as long as the man resorts to physical abuse as a way of correcting his partner. Reconciliation can never be achieved as long as the woman is unable to control her tongue, which in actual sense is completely immaterial. Reconciliation can never be achieved as long as both parties subject each other to mental and emotional torture and abuse. Reconciliation can never be achieved as long as there is no mutual respect and appreciation by both parties. Reconciliation can never be achieved in an environment of competition between the parties.

However, a false reconciliation is possible and can be achieved when we seek to deal with the history of violence and abuse by suppressing its memory. But on the other hand, once we realize that it’s a journey in its self, then we will be able to make a head way knowing that it entails putting aside feelings of fear, suppression, arrogance, wanting to be in control, and loathing.  While embracing improved communication and better understanding, cooperation and the willingness to co-exist in love and friendship and acknowledging the right of the other to live in freedom and mutual respect.

Reconciliation is very difficult until we are able to detach the evil of domestic violence from the names of its servants (beating, emotional and mental torture, submission, rights of the girl child, equality), etc. It is only when we see the perpetrators of violence and evil as co-victims, people gripped by the primal forces of domination , prejudice, fear and hate that we can begin to relate to them. The fact is that change is possible, but it is gradual and involves sincerity of purpose. In order for reconciliation to be attained, we must recognize the “wolf within.” No one in his or her right senses can reconcile with an estranged partner unless they acknowledge that they are capable of forgiving what the abusive partner has done. Do not forget that people always become that which they hate.

Never allow yourself to be forced or coerced into a reconciliation simply because you want to be acknowledged and accepted by the church, society, friends and in-laws. Because this same people will eventually blame you, should you get killed in that abusive relationship. Even those who forced you into reconciling will still turn around and blame you. NEVER EVER SETTLE FOR LESS. Say No to Domestic Violence and abuse of the rights of the girl child.


Francis Chilaka                                                       Programme Director: KUTH Foundation.                                     Founder: The Unbroken Facebook Group.