A gentle reminder to men on “40 seconds” and other matters by Emeka Oparah

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men

Like most men, I have laughed, cried and thought about the little matter of “40 Seconds” making the rounds. I am frankly not interested in the particular story, strictly speaking.

I’d rather the lady and the gentleman sorted their issues privately. My concern here is about the many threats men generally face in the course of trying to satisfy women, including their spouses, mothers, daughters, sisters and girlfriends, as the case may be.

As a responsible husband, father, son, brother and uncle and so many other things to so many people, I sincerely do not have any problem with looking after the women in my life or living up to my responsibilities to them, but putting myself under so much pressure to the extent of falling sick, losing my mind or dying earlier than my Maker may have planned for me is a no-no. And I wouldn’t want any brother to be messed up hence I preach.

Recently, I preached a widely circulated (and I believe also widely accepted) sermon directed at the menfolk in which I urged them to make out time to look after themselves too-given the life expectancy imbalance skewed heavily in favor of women particularly in Nigeria. Some courageous men openly commended the gospel and went further to share it while the cowardly ones simply shared it without a word-ostensibly to avoid being thrown out of their homes (which could even complicate their matter and hasten their departure to the great beyond, which is the issue at hand).

Just so we can get to the kernel of this message more quickly, please permit me to use “40 Seconds” as a euphemism for sex. If I have your permission and attention, then, let me tell you the story of a very hilarious encounter I had with a Medical Doctor in Ghana about 5 years ago. Dr. Dick (his first name is Richard) and I met in a Chinese restaurant in Accra, where he was giving one of the waiters a dressing down for exaggerating his bill. I was forced to abandon my delicious sweet and sour soup to intervene lest the disagreement degenerated into fisticuffs. To cut this part of the story short, we became friends and I took note of the buxomly (gifted) pretty lady he had in tow who was smiling rather lasciviously and teased him to “take it easy tonight O!” His response got me: “For what na? Will they give me an award?”

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Now, to the main story. Dr Dick and I met up at breakfast the next day being a resident in the same hotel and I mischievously asked him: “How was your night, Doc?” After a proud and boisterous laughter suggestive of a very good night indeed (and he thankfully spared me the details), he launched into a very hilarious yet revealing and educative lecture on men, sex and death. Trust me, gentlemen, I was all ears. I give it to you in strong terms of recommendation to also pay attention here.

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According to Dr Dick, and I won’t be surprised if you already know, over 50% of sudden deaths or CVAs suffered by men 50 years and above happen during sex! Chisos! Yes, that was his statement, exactly. And here is how he arrived at his scary hypothesis: As men hit 50 and above, their libido begins to flounder and some of them begin to ponder. Men being generally impressionistic in such matters begin to think more from their equipment than their heads. And so, they begin to figuratively and suddenly “live well, eat healthily and do whatever it takes to stay active”. Brethren, I tell you, very often, men at that age overreach themselves. He also informed me that a man’s blood pressure could hit 150/90 or more during orgasm. I didn’t know before. How could I have known such a sweaty, troubling fact? And this is where wahala starts.

It is not unusual for men to get into action having had some alcohol (plus some energy drink-a stupid combination) or Alomo Bitters or other aphrodisiacs including Viagra. Most times, these men do not know the condition of their hearts have never had an ECG or even checked their blood pressure. Along the line or at the end of the “day”, if you get what I mean, some of them fail to recover or lapse into a heart attack or stroke or even die, for very unlucky ones in extreme circumstances. If the woman is a wife, she would tidy up before raising the alarm to avoid embarrassing herself and her husband. If she’s not the wife, she will probably call a friend for guidance before contacting the hotel (if they are in a hotel or guest house). Some will simply disappear! And the poor man’s condition could deteriorate to death. Many a time and oft, we read of people who were found dead in their hotel rooms alone. Who knows! It could be this or other things.

Many men have been killed or permanently injured in these aforementioned inglorious circumstances. Of course, you wouldn’t expect either Madam or the man to confess openly what really transpired, that is, if he survives. So, it’s definitely going to stay and die between the man and the woman and perhaps their doctor. A friend once confided in me how he suffered a slipped disk in the course of apparently aggressive “action”. He spent over 6 months in the Orthopaedic Hospital, his sad and sorry wife never tried getting on top of things ever again if you get my drift. Wink. Wink.

Guys, what is this thing with us and sex? As many have so brilliantly stated, many babies are made in “40 seconds” or even less. So, “40 second” is just enough. While that may be a joke (yes, it’s a joke, please!!!) there is nothing in Cherubim & Seraphim Church that should make us break our hands (apologies to adherents of this great religious group for his old village joke). I don’t understand why there’s so much attention to and effort in sex nowadays. Just negodu the sudden rise in the manufacture, sale and consumption of drinks, foods and drugs which purport to enhance sexual performance. Haven’t you also noticed the rise in sex-promoting music and sex-promoting apparels including fake butts, fake boobs and even fake camel toes!!!

Men, please be careful, very careful. Also, be fearful of this dangerous tread or idea of proving your sexual prowess. We have so many other more important issues challenging us to deal with than sex. We are dying faster than our wives and sisters. It is not a competition, I must admit. I also do not want to blame the womenfolk too much for our discouraging predicament. Yet, I need not here dilate on the excellencies of men striving to stay alive longer. We are already doing too much, in addition, to be mostly older than our wives, and so on and so forth. This needless quest for sex and the urge to prove ourselves in “za ozza room” is killing us-and further driving down our already precarious life expectancy. Brethren, be wise! Or be snookered!!!

Emeka Oparah aka His Holiness Pope Ethelbert (II) is the founding Archbishop of MoFeTo Miracle Shursh of Latter Day Scientists, the largest “irreligious” group on Facebook.